Wow, what a great New Year’s party in Los Angeles, California! You made so many friends at your swanky Hollywood party in Chris Hemsworth’s mansion. Everyone loved your fantastic new outfit, and thought all your jokes were hilarious and interesting! You even gave a New Years smooch to your celebrity crush Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and/or Jessica Chastain.
This was a party for the books.
Now it’s time to drive home before everyone else clogs up the roads in L.A’s notorious traffic. But if you feel dizzy and you’re seeing double, even after your nap in the bathtub, do not get behind the wheel. Even all the knowledge from your CA traffic school education cannot help you drive!
The truth is, you could still be drunk or impaired.
Lucky for you, you’ve developed the critical thinking skills to determine whether you’re too drunk to drive thanks to your favorite traffic school teaching you that you should allow at least one hour for every standard drink consumed and to carry a trusty Blood Alcohol Level Chart wherever you go. You recount your night and remember:
1. You just took a shot with Adam Driver
“Hey! You’re Kylo Ren from Star Wars!” you belted out at your favorite celebrity. “You’re a superb actor and I’m a huge Star Wars fan!” Flattered by your sincere compliment, Adam Driver offers you a shot of Grey Goose and then proceeds to get to you know you on a personal level.
1 shot = 1 hour before you can drive home.
The only Driver at this party should be Adam, who’s listening to how much you love traffic school.
2. Arnold Schwarzenegger helped you with a keg stand
Extending his hand to you, Arnold Schwarzenegger says “Come with me if you want to get drunk!” It’s a special occasion, so you happily oblige as he lifts you upside down and places you on top of a beer keg. The next thing you hear are your wonderful peers counting the seconds as you chug.
You make it to 16 seconds and Arnold flips you over onto your feet. The blood rushes from your head as the room spins. You thank him for the help and you meet your friends in the other room.
“You’ll be back,” Arnold mutters. “I think you just consumed three beeers.”
3 beers = 3 additional hours until you are ok to drive home.
3. Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling put you into their reenactment of La La Land
The city of stars just gained another star, and it’s you! At least it was for the 2-hours and 8-minutes when Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling used you as a third when they broke out into their song and dance. You couldn’t have remembered every dance step and song lyric from the movie La La Land, so you had to be drunk!
It looks like someone in the crowd gave you another drink after your performance. Just wait until your friends at traffic school hear this!
1 standard drink = 1 more solid hour until you sober up.
4. You held a 30-minute conversation with Bjork
Manifesting from Chris Hemsworth’s botanical garden, Bjork starts a conversation with you. Unbeknownst to you, she can only speak using metaphors and symbolism in the form of music from stringed instruments and trash can lids. You’ve always been fascinated by the Scandinavian singer & songwriter, so why not give this conversation a shot?
The next 30-minutes, although not understanding it, enlightened you to the point of developing a natural drunkenness. You realize that talking to Bjork is the equivalent of taking five shots (you actually had 5 shots while talking with her). You politely end the conversation as the Scandinavian Goddess is carried away by a pack of forest creatures and fairies.
5 shots = 5 more hours you need to sober up!
5. You spent the last hour drinking wine with Meryl Streep
Flabbergasted by your regal New Years outfit, Meryl Streep shimmies you over to the fireplace where she talks to you about love, happiness, and traffic school. She pours you a glass of wine from her bottle of Armand de Brignac. It’s a $16,000 bottle of wine and how could you say “no” to Meryl?
For the next 2-hours you and Meryl slam a few bottles as she recites her life story to you. After praising your ability to listen, Meryl is whisked away to do a solo reenactment of Mamma Mia!
How many drinks was that?
If you have to ask yourself that question, the answer is probably too much. When you’re still feeling the side effects of alcohol in the morning, don’t drive. It’s always safer to find another way home.
Remember what your favorite traffic school always says, “Don’t drink and drive!”